Dear Mother - part 1

HAPPY EASTER

Dear Mother,

I send this letter in the deepest love a daughter can express. Lately, I have missed you more than usual. I guess it is that time in my life that I know I will see you soon, but not soon enough. A lot has changed in my life and I have absolutely no one to turn to that could possibly understand me like you do. You were so much apart of my soul that I feel like the past 10 years I have walked alone and disoriented. You would be proud how I have managed to pull myself and others together. I am not that strong, but I have done the best I could. I regret to inform you though, my glue is wearing out.

Don't worry Mother. I am not foolish. Unfortunately, I have to make some heart trembling decisions that will rock the boat. I am scared and I feel panic most times when I start making changes. No one can see the big picture yet, my changes have been very gradual and discrete. I guess I am one of those women that wants to keep everyone happy and comfortable before the floor falls out from under them. Did I get that from you?

Mama, I miss your voice. It seems like it is getting harder to hear you in my memory. You don't even come to me in my dreams anymore. I feel like a force is pushing us farther apart. When I do finally see you...I am going to grasp so hard you won't be able to escape me again. That was the worst day I ever experienced in my life. I felt the wind get knocked out of me and felt your soul escape from my heart. I was so angry that day. I know you know. You know all my secrets since you have been gone. Some I am ashamed of and others I am relieved you do know. 

As I write to you today I feel a hurt in my heart. Maybe it is because it is Easter. You always loved Easter. Or maybe it is because I just want one more minute to look at your beautiful face, hear your sweet voice or to touch you...I miss you so much and I need you in my life. I want you to come back and yet I want to come see you. I don't know if I am ready, but I know everyday that passes I am one more day closer to seeing you. 

Mother, I made your yummy deviled eggs for your grandchildren. I will enjoy watching them devour the same eggs I have always loved that you made for me all those years. Mother, you would be so proud of your grand-kids...they are growing up so fast. I am sure you peek at them all the time. I know you do. 

I have to go, Mama. My heart hurts. I hurt. I miss you so much and I am  patiently waiting to see you. 

With love,

Sophie

P.S. you were my glue.